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The Year in Stupid

January 1st, 2010, 04:01 am admin Leave a comment Go to comments

End of the year lists are stupid to begin with. So a list of the top outbreaks of national stupidity in 2009? Shield your brain cells before proceeding, and be sure not to read and drive (actually, that’s good advice even if you’re reading that smart stuff).

The Official Network of Stupid
This is more of a lifetime achievement award. Fox News has always required its “journalists” to check their brains at the door, but this year Fox reached new heights in depths, going beyond the tradition of labeling every politician in trouble as a Democrat and proceeding to provide fantasy backdrops that inflated the crowd for conservative events. Reality shows have been doing so well for Fox’s entertainment division, it’s clearly decided to use the “news” channel to dabble in alternate reality TV. Fox News proves again and again that it believes the American Public is that stupid. In the last couple of weeks they’ve been trying out new catchphrases. May I suggest: Fox News — because you’ll believe anything.

The Official Pundit of Stupid
You would think this would be a closely fought battle. With O’Reilly, Hannity and Limbaugh still on the air, stupid is well-represented every day (and my investment in microphone spit-shields continues to pay dividends). But for 2009, is there any doubt about the winner of this award? Weeping, wailing, slobbering, and splitting the screen to show a close-up of his bleary red eyes, Glenn Beck is the television equivalent of a geek show. That’s geek in the carny sense. Granted, there hasn’t been any chicken biting… yet. Still, Beck is to be commended for creating a show that acts as a national IQ test.

The Official Histrorical Figure of Stupid
Sorry, Mr. Godwin, but it appears your law has been repealed. It seems that it’s perfectly OK to make comparisons between Hitler and anyone you want — including the sitting president of the United States — and news programs will report on it in all seriousness. It’s quite a comeback for that paper-hanging son of a bitch, but then, who knew the Nazis had such a good health plan?

The Official Story of Stupid
There’s a little town just a couple of miles from my home that has an annual festival in support of that most Midwestern of spreads, apple butter. The population of this town is just a couple of hundred, but every year more people show up to celebrate brown biscuit goo than arrived in Washington DC for the biggest of the tea bagger bonanzas.  That’s not the stupid part. The stupid part is that Fox News, which organized the bagger event from start to finish, then wagged its finger at the other networks for not giving it more coverage. Wait, that’s still not the stupid part. The stupid part is that the other networks responded. Which only proves that no one is more experienced than Fox when it comes to knowing how to talk to idiots.

The Official Politician of Stupid
It’s a rare politician who can turn on the jets and make himself as big of a joke as Joe… Hang on, hang on. Lieberman goes in the article on laughably venal tantrums of 2009. Sorry about that. No, the official politician of stupid is the one who was such a coward he got Google to blur out his house on Google Maps even though its location is taught to sixth graders. This year Dick Cheney, the American ostrich, removed his head from the dirt long enough to complain that other people weren’t brave enough to protect his quivering tail feathers. Put your head back in the hole, Dick, and say hi to the rest of your administration while you’re down there. Bonus stupid to the media that gave him a place to squawk.

Sarah Palin
No really. That’s the title of the award.

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